I celebrated my 35th birthday last weekend. I feel both old and young. I know there’s both, much to accomplish and that I’ve also come far from where I started. Motherhood takes centerstage in this, but so does my career and marriage.
My one wish for every birthday is to enjoy a quiet and big breakfast. It happens to be my favorite meal of the day and I’m also at my best in the mornings. I feel happiest and most hopeful. B asked me what I wanted this time, and I had the same standard reply I’ve always had for all of the past ones. I knew it would be hard to accomplish this year since we were traveling with 4 little kids to Mendocino and ‘quiet’ is no longer possible. But it was fun to try.
Did I have that quiet breakfast? No, but I did eat, and B did make it as special as possible for me. It is hard to have a proper meal when you’re also breastfeeding a newborn. Mix with that trying to shower, get ready and have conversations with others.
Interestingly, in the past when I’ve not been able to have a quiet morning with breakfast, I used to get mad. Mad at myself, and sadly at B for not making it possible. After all, it’s a simple request for a birthday, is it not? This time, I wasn’t mad. Maybe I’ve matured a little? Or maybe motherhood has taught me to be satisfied with different things.
For example, looking back, I had a great birthday. I was with all my loved ones. We were surrounded by the sounds of little feet running. We ate a lot of good food cooked completely by our husbands. My mom, sister and I had some time to chat undisturbed after the kids went to bed. We even had time to play a game of cards! The baby slept despite of the change in scenery and most importantly, without the Snoo! Turns out he does not need the Snoo to fall asleep.
I learned a lot about my family over this weekend. I also came away learning a few things about myself.
I no longer crave fun dinners or big parties as I did a few years ago. I now crave meaningful conversation with my loved ones. Easiest to accomplish when the kids are asleep, or on a long hike. I crave being in the woods lost in thought. I seek those few minutes that I can read a book in bed or on the couch in peace, and learn something new. I love listening to someone’s perspective on a topic I thought I knew enough about. I like having my thoughts challenged! I have learned to trust in my gut and know deep down that many of my decisions will be rewarded and correct. I understand that nothing is permanent, and that sometimes changes will be good for us. I also know that solutions that come out of uncertainty may have beneficial consequences. I have also learned that while a few people and circumstances can surprise us, most will not. People and circumstances tend to follow patterns. We need to recognize those patterns and that’s where the game of life lies!
Our previous nanny reached out this past weekend, requesting for her job back. When she had left us, very suddenly, a few months ago, I had initially reacted calmly. Later, I became disappointed and upset. I was heavily pregnant at that time and at the top of my mood swings. I was also very tired and finding it difficult to manage household chores with a toddler. We desperately needed the help. Her reasoning to leave, though understandable, had left us stranded. Of course, I was only seeing the situation from our own lens. I had had to cut my hours at work short. My assistants started coming to work earlier so I could see more patients and rush home to pick up our daughter from school. It was a mess. We had not had this experience before- with an employee, but it taught us an important lesson. Due to a few standout qualities, we learned not to discount other issues in an individual. We need to continuously assess a person’s fit for a role.
Why do I bring this up? It serves as a reminder that we need to look more closely at the signs. I had realized in the summer that our nanny was starting to take us for granted and that she may no longer be a good fit for us. However, I silenced my gut every time I saw her with our daughter- she was so great at her primary skillset! She was also very trustworthy. But that’s where the benefits stopped. It takes me to a quote I heard Ray Dalio make- hire for values first, ability next. How do you assess values? It takes time. How did they react when issues presented themselves? How do they manage true emergencies? Are they honest? How do they respond when challenged? Do they try to preserve themselves or do they seek to make things better for all? Do they step out of their primary role to help others? Do not discount how people respond in such situations. It is a test of character.
This article was not supposed to be about lessons learned from replacing our nanny. But it ended up being a part of it- I guess that’s what motherhood does to you. You begin to find lessons everywhere. Of course, motherhood also leaves you more tired and sleepless. I say this with less than 5 hours of sleep from last night. Maybe I will recover that sleep in a few years- or maybe I will never recover from it, who knows? Only time will tell.
To another year, stronger and wiser 🙂