I’ve been wanting to write something for ages but every time I sit down to write, something else comes up. I’d remember emails that needed responding to. Or the baby would begin to cry and need to be nursed. Or I was too tired and sleepy after working out.

I still do not know how to do it all. How do we workout, eat well, put the kids to bed, spend time with our partners, work on the new startup, read a few pages, and get good sleep- all in the span of a few hours?

If you have the answer to that, let me know. 

Today, I am not writing about that however. I just needed to vent about the guilt.

I got a message from the nanny in the middle of the workday today. A picture of the baby popped up on my phone. He’d thrown up all over the cribsheet. I had knots in my tummy as soon as I saw that. My assistant in the meantime was waiting for me to complete perio charting on my patient. I sent a quick text to the nanny, and kept the phone back in my pocket. I quickly finished probing depths and asked to be excused to make a phone call. 

I was already deciding to take the rest of the day off when the nanny FaceTimed me and I saw that the baby was OK. He was smiling. We had been out all weekend and there wasn’t any pumped breastmilk for him to drink this afternoon- so he’d gotten formula. And every now and then if he gets formula after many days of just breastmilk, he throws some of it up. Plus we are also introducing allergens. It could have been those dang peanuts. Who knows. The point is the baby was fine and for a full 5 minutes his mother was not. 

Today was also one of those days that I had to stop by at the new office to meet the team that’s building it. There were some decisions I needed to take in person. And hence I wasn’t able to pick Aashi up from school. While I knew I wasn’t going to pick her up, I was still sad when 5 o clock came and went and I wasn’t there at the Montessori. When I saw her being ‘checked out’ on the app on my phone, my heart sank just a little.

Why? I don’t know. The nanny does occasionally have to pick her up. Because despite my best intentions I am sometimes running behind with patient care. Today, though, I was feeling sad.  Grateful for the childcare that we have. But, also sad. 

When I came back home today, Aashi said ‘mamma is home’ and gave me the longest hug. She is not a big cuddler or a hugger so this means a lot. I felt happy and sad hugging her. Life is so fleeting and I don’t know what the future holds. But that moment between us, as mother and daughter, was special. Of course I also felt guilty. Perhaps that made the moment even more bittersweet. 

When she was just a baby, I’d nurse her before heading out to work. I worked fewer days so the separation didn’t feel as painful. I was also struggling with my postpartum weight, and pumping, so perhaps there were other distractions on my mind. I stayed home longer on maternity leave with Aashi too and had had a slow ramp up to a full schedule. This perhaps, helped offset the guilt. This time I had none of that. I stayed home for two months and went straight back to 4 full days of work. My body has recovered faster but my mind and heart have not. I’m still woken up thrice a night by the baby for nursing. Yes, we could sleep train him too but selfishly I don’t want to. 

After all, it’s the only other time during the weekday that I get to nurse him! If we sleep train him I will only get to cuddle with him and nurse him twice throughout the day and that hurts. And those two times are always rushed.

The other time I get to nurse him is before he goes to bed for the night. But that nursing session is chaotic because Aashi is also in the room demanding my attention. I’m caught talking to her about her day, ensuring she doesn’t hit the baby unintentionally, while also nursing him, changing him into his pajamas and putting him to bed. It is multi-tasking at its finest. I always come into the living room after having put them both down for the night, feeling very smug and accomplished. A daily marathon!

I do feel the guilt is like a soft blanket that wraps itself around me. I could take it off anytime and be there completely for my children at this age and stage of life. But I also worry what would happen when they were to grow up and find their own purpose and life outside of our little cocoon. I love my kids but I also know they aren’t mine forever, they are their own person, not today but they will be some day. And if I don’t work on my purpose and marriage, I may be lost after my kids don’t need me anymore. I never used to think about this until two of my patients brought this up coincidentally on the same day. They wished they had worked on their ambitions while also raising their kids. Once their kids were in high school and had gotten busy with ‘girls’ and books, they’d forgotten about their parents, or didn’t want much to do with them. Its just the cycle of life.

It’s wonderful to have these adorable little humans to take care of, but also it is scary. You worry about them when something happens, and then are relieved once they are OK. They light up your eyes and fill you with so much warmth inside. Their smiles and giggles lift you. The sweetest moments of my day were with my kids and my husband. Smiling and cuddling with my son in the morning after he was nursed. Working out and talking about our day with my husband. And, reading books to Aashi before putting her to bed. Today of all days, I just wanted to be home and on vacation mode again. Aashi even asked to go back to the ‘holiday home’. And I told her yes we will again, soon.